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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23864719">If I'd Known It Was Gonna Hurt This Much, I Would've Never Led With My Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady'>StellarLibraryLady</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Eddie And Vee [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, Venom (Movie 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Eddie Brock Needs A Hug, Friendship, Loneliness, M/M, Pining, References to Depression, Regret, Sad Eddie Brock, Sadness, Survivor Guilt, Venom Dying</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:54:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,756</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23864719</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A rocket ship explodes during takeoff and more than Carleton Drake's dreams of space pioneering are ended.  Eddie lives, and Venom doesn't.  Eddie has to cope with survivor's guilt and learns that's harder to do than dying.</p><p>Eddie Brock mourns the loss of Venom.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Brock/Anne Weying, Eddie Brock/Dan Lewis, Eddie Brock/Venom Symbiote</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Eddie And Vee [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1574260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Interspecies</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. You Blundered Into My World Unannounced And Unwanted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The obligatory attempt to explain just what did happen between the explosion and fire at the Life Foundation and the time when Anne expresses her condolences to Eddie for losing Venom.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Anne helps Eddie after the explosion and fire.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sadness seemed to be a way of life for Eddie Brock.  Seemingly well adjusted and self-assured, he nonetheless radiated an aura of sorrow and neediness that the ultra-sensitive could pick up on or could at least sense.  The most attuned to his inner goodness realized that there was no harm in him, that he was a humanitarian who only wanted to see that there was real justice in the world, and that he only wanted to live and to let live.</p><p>That quality about him well might have been one of the things about Eddie that first appealed to Venom.  Living inside Eddie and being aware of his innermost thoughts and feelings had made Venom realize that this was indeed a good person who was hosting him.    And he readily admitted the fact to Eddie.</p><p>“Oh, you like us now, do you?” Eddie had questioned almost mockingly as he had plunged through the scrubby woodland after Venom and Annie had saved him from being killed by Treece and his henchmen.  “What made you change your mind about us?”</p><p>“You,” Venom had admitted freely.  “You did, Eddie.”  But there had been a tone of sadness to his voice, as if being around Eddie had caused Venom to acquire a certain melancholy wistfulness, too.</p><p>And then they had headed for the launch pad to try to stop Carleton Drake from carrying out his plan to help Riot conquer the human race.  Eddie and Venom were at a terrible disadvantage against Riot, but they knew that they had to do the best they could to succeed.  And then there hadn’t been any time for anything much except to act and to react and to feel.</p><p>And it had been a tremendous battle as they had struggled against Riot’s superior strength.  At one point, Riot had absorbed Eddie and Venom.  And if it hadn’t been for Annie, all would have been lost for not only Eddie and Venom but for all of mankind on Earth.</p><p>And Venom and Eddie had saved each other, and it had felt so good to be reunited once more on that launch pad.  It had been like a shot of adrenaline and a new lease on life each time they were one again.   They truly were better together, and the truth of that was only becoming more certain the longer they fought Drake and Riot for the future of the Earth.</p><p>But then had come that final, devastating explosion when Venom had ripped the rocket ship wide open with the very blade that Riot had used to impale Eddie’s weak, human body.  But in destroying the rocket, Venom had created the fire which would engulf him and Eddie, a fire that was more than a fire because it was flaming rocket fuel.  And because fire was a nemesis for Venom, not even he would be powerful enough to save himself and Eddie from being engulfed and destroyed by it.</p><p>Unless--</p><p>“Goodbye, Eddie,” Venom had said in the sorrow of farewell as he had pulled away from Eddie and had formed a parachute to slow Eddie’s fall, or else Eddie would've hit the murky waters of San Francisco Bay like he was smashing into a cement wall at highway speeds.  It would've been like a buy hitting a windshield or the you-know-what hitting the proverbial fan.  Whatever, it wouldn’t have been a good experience for Eddie.  And even if Venom could heal Eddie, Eddie might die from the shock of such a blow before Venom could act.  Besides, Venom would be a little bit busy trying to keep himself from being destroyed, too.  Or at least he should have been.  But Time proved that he hadn't been doing that.  Even in that moment of greatest threat to his existence, Venom was thinking first of Eddie.</p><p>Yes, Venom had formed a parachute to slow Eddie’s fall, but the parachute had also acted like a blanket to keep the flaming rocket fuel off Eddie.  That’s why Eddie had yelled, “Venom!  No!”  He could see that Venom was sacrificing himself for him, and there wasn’t a damn thing that Eddie could do to prevent Venom’s complete annihilation from happening.  Because Venom could spread himself wide, but so could the rocket fuel.</p><p>Then all that Eddie could do was fall, fall and try not to think about Venom and being heartsick because he could do nothing to prevent the certain destruction of a creature who had proven to be a comrade and nearly a friend.</p><p> </p><p>At first he had felt nothing.  Nothing but a numbing shock going through his body as he fell, fell, with a numbness cushioning all the horror that he was witnessing.  Humans tend to do that so that they can survive the enormity of the destruction around them.  It is a safety device that Mother Nature had thankfully built into humans so they could deal with extreme shock.</p><p>Because none of it seemed real.  It was like being in a snow globe, because Eddie's whole world was filled with burning lights everywhere around him and above him and beneath him.  It was like watching candles floating on a fish pond, except those weren’t candles and San Francisco Bay wasn’t a fish pond.  Well, if it was, it was a damn big one.</p><p>And those burning blobs out on the dark waters and falling through the air weren’t candles.  Not by a long shot.  They were Venom.  Or what had been him.</p><p>Venom was dying, dying all around him as flaming pieces of his torn body fell all around Eddie.  Gravity pulled its gaudy trick and plunged the both of them into the frigid waters of San Francisco Bay-- the intact man and the fragmented Symbiote.  The Symbiote was going off like a sparkler on the Fourth of July in accompaniment to the rocket exploding behind them.  It should've been a fantastic gala-- but it wasn't.  It was just plain grisly.</p><p>As his body plunged into all of that cold wetness, the shock of the icy waters kicked Eddie into survival mode.  He automatically began pulling himself upward to the water’s surface.  His lungs were burning and demanding oxygen.  And no matter how torn up he was inside himself at what he had just witnessed, his first instinct was to fight for life even if his heart really wasn’t in the effort after what Venom had done for him.  After breaking the surface, his arms automatically began threading through the water.  Years of swimming had trained Eddie’s arms to move smoothly and effortlessly.  Good thing, that.  Especially since he could not concentrate on anything else but wanting to know why he had been spared.</p><p>Why had Venom done it?  Oh, Eddie knew as soon as he asked.  Venom had sacrificed himself to save Eddie.  But why?  Why?  Why would Venom do that?</p><p>Eddie knew the answer to that one, too.  Because Venom thought that Eddie was worth it.  Simple as that.</p><p>But why would Venom think that?  And why didn’t he give Eddie a vote in the decision?</p><p>Because Eddie would have voted for Venom to save himself.</p><p>Because Eddie wasn’t worth that kind of sacrifice.  That’s what tore through Eddie as he managed to crawl out of the water onto the beach.  He lay there in the wet sand dripping Bay waters off himself and gasping for air and not looking at the mess burning behind him.  How could he?  His heart was dying back there, and he really didn’t want to watch that carnage anymore.</p><p>Eddie felt empty and he felt guilty.  And he wanted Venom back.  The Symbiote might’ve been a pain in the ass at first, but Eddie had somehow gotten used to having him around in a relatively short time.  Because, besides feeling empty and guilty, Eddie was now feeling so incredibly lonely, too.</p><p>“Eddie!  Eddie!” Anne yelled as she knelt and tried to pull the sodden mess further onto the sand out of those cold, cold waters of San Francisco Bay.</p><p>And Eddie realized that Annie hadn’t just arrived, that she had been here all along, that she had probably helped pull him out of the water so that he would not be caught up in some scheduled tide and eventually swept out to sea.  That was twice that she had saved him in a a matter of a few scant moments.  First she had turned the sound waves to the frequency that had caused Riot to release Eddie and Venom, and now she had helped Eddie out of the water that might have drown him even though he was treading water.  Without her, Eddie might have stayed out there forever, floating on the water, surrounded by whatever was left of Venom because that was his only reality now.</p><p>Venom.</p><p>Gone.</p><p>Because of him.</p><p>And now he could look at what had been sacrificed for him.</p><p>Eddie stared across the dark waters at the burning rocket and tried not to look at the burning scraps floating on the oily surface of the water.  But Eddie could not look away.  He had to see it all.  All of it.  All of the death scene.</p><p>“Venom,” he choked out.  “He’s out there… dying.  Because of me.”</p><p>“Eddie.  Hush,” Anne ordered in a harsh whisper as she hugged his shoulders and knelt close to him.  “Try not to think about it.”</p><p>But he couldn't.  He couldn't.  A creature was gone from the universe because of him.  Him!  Eddie’s mouth dropped open in horror.  Tears sprung into his eyes.  It was real.  Venom was really and truly gone.  Otherwise, Annie would have said differently.  Annie would have said something to contradict him, to give him hope that all was not lost.  But Annie hadn’t said anything like that.  So the other reality was true.  The other reality of, of Venom being gone.</p><p>Eddie looked around, his eyes wild.  What should he do now?  What should a survivor do when the danger was past?  He wanted, needed to do something, but couldn't.  There was nothing that had could be done now.  Nothing!  Death was appeased for the moment.</p><p>A shiver convulsed Eddie's body.  His teeth were going to start chattering next, either from cold or stupefaction.  Maybe his teeth would chatter so hard together that they would wind up chipping each other with the shock that was surging through Eddie.  Maybe he would bite his tongue off and drown in his own blood or bleed to death.</p><p>Good.  Good.  He needed to suffer, too.  He needed to die.  Too.  Just like Venom had died….</p><p>No.</p><p>He didn’t like this reality!</p><p>“You’re shaking like a leaf,” Anne muttered as she gathered him close and began rocking him.  Eddie's teeth were chattering together and his eyes were looking wild as shock shook his system just as much as the cold and the wet were doing.  Anne knew that shock could kill someone as readily as a bullet or cancer can.  As much as she had been disappointed and hurt by Eddie's betrayal, she was not ready to let him go.  She was a good, decent person who respected life, especially the life of someone who had once been so precious to her.  “Stay with me now.  You can’t die, too.”</p><p>Why not, Eddie wanted to know.  It would be justice.  Venom was just beginning to like our planet.  Where’s the justice that he should die before he got to know it better?  Eddie could have helped him to know his new adopted home.  But all of that discovery and happiness was over for Venom now.</p><p>Because Venom was dead now.  Now and forever.  Dead.</p><p>Another spasm of shivering shook Eddie, and Anne clucked worriedly over her sinking charge.</p><p>“Where is that ambulance?” Ann muttered as she looked around desperately.  “I don’t want you dying in my arms.”</p><p>At last he saw some sunshine.  “Why not?” he wanted to know with a look of interest on his face.</p><p>“You can ask that?” she asked, glancing down at him.  Then she looked back down the street to where she could hear sirens approaching, and she felt relief.  </p><p>“You must still love me,” he said hopefully.  “Somewhere deep inside, you still love me.  You’re worried about me, and don’t try to pretend you aren’t.”</p><p>“Asshole,” she muttered, looking away at nothing in particular, just so it wasn’t at him.  </p><p>“I’m still me, Annie,” he said softly.  “How could you forget me?”</p><p>“It tore me up leaving you,” she admitted.  “But I’ve got principles.  I thought that you had them, too.”  She pinched her lips together.  “I guess I was mistaken about that.”</p><p>“Aw,” he said with a deep sigh of regret.  “We had so much,” he said softly.  “How could you walk away from all of that?”</p><p>“You’re the one who betrayed me.”</p><p>“I know.  Like I said before, I’m sorry about that.”  He frowned.  "Was it only just a few hours ago that I told you how sorry I was about all of that?  So much has happened since then--"  He glanced up at her with an earnest face.  "But I meant it.  What I said.  About being sorry."</p><p>He was tearing her up.  Again.  He still could do that to her.  “You should be!  I thought we had principles together.  I thought we had trust.”</p><p>“We did.  And it was beautiful.”</p><p>“Then why--  Never mind.  You ruined it.  For both of us.”</p><p>“I was just being human, Annie.  I’m flawed.  I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect for you.  I’m sorry I ruined our friendship.  I hate that almost as much as betraying your love.”  He thought a moment.  “Maybe even more.”  He looked at her wistfully.  “I miss my friend so much.  You were everything to me.  You were my home.  My center.  Wherever I went, I knew that you were my sanctuary.  I felt safe with you.”</p><p>She looked exasperated.  “I miss my friend, too.  Why do you think I pulled you out of the Bay?  I need all the friends I can get, too.”</p><p>His wide grin threatened to pull down into the sorrow he was feeling about her.  At any moment he’d start crying if he didn’t keep on with this asinine grinning.  Because his heart was breaking for her pain, because he knew that he had done this scarring to the one person he loved most in the world.</p><p>And then he'd had a chance with another being, and had messed it up, too.  And it was worse now, because the other being had died because of him.</p><p>He had to try to explain the enormity of what he was feeling.  “You were everything to me, Annie, but I lost it all.  And then I was Venom’s home.  But I didn’t like that deal at first.  I was scared about what was happening to my body and then I got angry because he was eating my internal organs.  But out here, tonight, we were a team.  And we won, Annie.  He and I, we won.  Together.  And it was wonderful.”  He could feel tears coursing down his face.  “We won against the bad guys, and then he died saving me.  And I miss him so much, Annie.  I want him back so much and that can’t ever happen, because he’s dead now.  Dead!  Because of me!”  He was babbling and he was slobbering and he was bawling, but he didn’t care.  Just as long as Annie understood how torn up he was inside.</p><p>Ann fumbled with his collar.  “You’re going to collapse completely.”  It wasn’t just alarm, but genuine concern and caring.</p><p>“It should have been me,” he whispered with tears tearing at his throat.  “Not him.  He died, saving me.”</p><p>“Hush, damn it!  It was his choice!  Don't forget that!  Don't take that away from him!”  She looked around wildly, then thankfully.  “The ambulance is here,” she announced, although he would have had to have been deaf to have missed that fact himself.  “Promise you’re going to hold it together until you make it to the hospital.  Alright?”</p><p>“Then do I have your permission to die after I get there?” he asked with the cutting grin that was beginning to be his way not to cry and lose whatever control he still had over himself.</p><p>She glanced down at him.  “You really are an asshole, aren’t you?”</p><p>His eyes twinkled with warmth the way they used to, but it was more poignant now because of the tears of sorrow and experience that lay within them.  “But you love me anyway, don’t you.”</p><p>Anne fought to hold herself together.  Even after all the hurt and pain, he could still affect her.  “We’ll talk about it later.”</p><p>He grabbed her hand as two strange men lifted him and started to put him on a stretcher.  “I can’t lose both of you.  Not in one night.”</p><p>She wanted to remind him that he had already lost her.  Then she wondered if he really had, or if she had just walked away from him for a little while.  She was with him now, wasn’t she?  How could she turn away from him now, especially tonight when he had already lost so much?</p><p>“You just concentrate on getting well,” she said in a calm voice as an ambulance tech pulled a sheet over him.</p><p>The sheet felt good.  It cut the wind off his wet body.  He stopped shaking and his teeth stopped chattering.  But that might’ve been because of the promise he thought he was getting from Annie.</p><p>“You’ll see me at the hospital?” he asked hopefully, trying to get her reassurances about that much.  </p><p>She’d come this far with him.  How could she back away now?  It would be cruel otherwise.</p><p>“Yes,” she agreed and was surprised that it hadn’t been so difficult to promise as she had thought it would.  After all, this was an emergency.  There would be all sorts of time later to make Eddie understand that she had been merely helping an old friend who was experiencing a crisis.  She would help anyone in dire straits if they were needing reassurance and comfort.  Surely she could help someone who had once been so close to her.</p><p>Couldn’t she?  For old time's sake?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. You Saw My World And Decided You Liked It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In the hospital, Eddie suffers from survivor's guilt and touches the hearts of his caregivers with his sadness.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What Eddie learned about first in the hospital centered around the odd behavior of tears.  Now other tears that he’d come in contact with, other tears he had shed as an adult, especially angry tears as he was stomping away from someone who had just pissed him off royally or hostile tears as he and his itching fists were getting ready to teach some dumb shit the facts of life, had behaved decently and had flowed straight down his round cheeks or had followed the valleys next to his nose to finally drip off his chin like decent, self-respecting tears should.  That is, if Eddie hadn’t already swatted them off angrily before some douche questioned him about his crying like a girl.  </p><p>Because studs don’t cry.  At least they weren't supposed to.  But this stud did, because he most certainly was now.  Girly or not, tears were oozing out of Eddie Brock like the ground was saturated and couldn’t hold water anymore.  That pretty well described Eddie, too.  He couldn’t hold in these tears, because they were hellbent to make an appearance somewhere and somehow, whether Eddie wanted them to show themselves or not.</p><p>No, these tears were different alright.  They were silent, for one thing.  And Eddie generally didn’t know that they were leaking out of his eyes until they ran into his ears.  There they tickled the hell out him as if they were mocking him for letting them get that far down his face without his knowledge.  </p><p>They had headed that direction for some reason instead of acting like other tears had.  It must have been because he was lying on his back and staring straight up at the nondescript, off-white ceiling over his hospital bed.  Why didn’t they flow down his cheeks as other tears did?  No, they went a’hellin' toward his hairline as if they were on some demented mission that only they understood.  They squeezed themselves out of the outer corners of his eyes in a sneaky maneuver and apparently headed for the nearest place where they could go back inside.  How they thought they would ever get past Eddie’s eardrums, Eddie didn’t know.  Maybe there was some sort of canal from his ears to his eyes that Eddie didn’t know about.  Maybe he was a medical oddity!</p><p>No, Eddie decided with a sigh. It was just because he was lying flat.  Nothing miraculous or wondrous there.  Just garden variety Eddie being something normal once again.  The only way to handle the tears was to out-smart them so he turned on his side and let his pillow absorb the moisture of the tears.  </p><p>The only trouble in dealing with tears in that manner is that they tend to get absorbed into the pillow.  Then the damp pillow will eventually get noticed by well-meaning other people, especially nurses caring for Eddie.  Eddie was a great favorite with the hospital medical staff because of his sadness.  He was sweet and conciliatory and pliable for all that was done for him.  But he always seemed so… distant along with his willingness to comply with all that was asked of him.  It was obvious that he was pining for something lost to him, and that appealed to the romantic side of his caretakers.  Who then could wonder about the solicitation accorded to him?  The staff would do anything in their power to please Eddie, or to at least bring a spark of life back into his haunted eyes.  But trying isn't always doing, so sometimes their efforts were in vain.</p><p>No wonder then that the staff tried to tempt him with food and activities that would please him enough to spark an interest in what was going on around him.  And if Eddie ever would show a sign of enthusiasm for life again-- Well, that would be a real red-letter day indeed for the people taking care of his body.  Now if they could somehow reach his spirit, they would all celebrate that they had brought someone back to the land of the living.  For Eddie Brock was acting more dead than alive, and there wasn’t anyone at that hospital who wouldn’t have given anything to have changed that for him.</p><p>A person with any sort of empathy at all for his fellow man would gravitate toward Eddie and try to adopt him.  Eddie got adopted by well-meaning souls alright, not that it made much difference to him.  Oh, Eddie appreciated the care that they extended to him, but he was so wrapped up in his personal grief and sense of loss that their ministrations registered little beyond the solace he was feeling for all of the creature comforts that he was receiving from them.</p><p>Losing Anne and all that his life with her had entailed was one thing, but being replaced in death by a creature that was only beginning to live was another.  It was a double whammy that Eddie couldn’t rise above, no matter how good were the intentions of those around him.  He wasn't bringing much to the table, and he needed to if any sort of success was going to be accomplished at all with his recovery.</p><p>He should have realized that his mental state would be noted by his doctor as well as his physical healing.  Doctors are dedicated that way, especially doctors like Dan Lewis.  For they care about the whole patient and not just an individual being a particular case study.  Besides, Eddie used to be special to Annie, and now Annie was very special to Dan.  And there was that business of Dan being slightly in awe of Eddie.  For Dan had first known the name of Eddie Brock because he was a famous journalist in the Bay area.  It was difficult to forget all of that, and Dan wasn't going to try.</p><p>Eddie was idly inspecting the vague patterns in the off-white paint on the ceiling of his hospital room.  He bet that no one else had ever gotten that personally acquainted with that ceiling before.  If he gave a shit about telling the nurses about the complex world that existed in that nonsensical universe up there, he could really enlighten them about what had been right under their noses (or in this case, right over their heads) for years.  That is, if he gave a shit about enlightening anybody about anything anymore.</p><p>“Good morning, Eddie,” someone beside him said in a low, modulated, soothing voice.  “How are you feeling today?”  </p><p>There was concern in that voice, a personal concern that piqued an interest in Eddie.  He knew that voice.  It reminded him of Annie, even though it was masculine.</p><p>Eddie tore his eyes away from the universe on the ceiling over his head and promptly forgot it.</p><p>“Oh, hi, Dan.  Nice to see you.”  His voice had an uncharacteristic enthusiasm to it that he wasn’t feeling.  It was akin to the “telephone voice” that people assume when speaking on that device.  They would laugh and give joy to what they were saying simply because they were phoning.  All of that false cheer and happiness would disappear as soon as the phone mouthpiece would be cradled in its stand once more.  The dramatic change from quiet to enthusiasm and back to quiet again would stun and amaze any onlooker.  So it was with Eddie when he recognized Dan Lewis.  Eddie was using his “telephone voice” to convince Dan that all was well with him.</p><p>For Eddie knew the score even if he wasn’t playing the game of life right now the way he should.  He might have been depressed about Venom’s death, but he was smart enough to act upbeat when he was talking.  He had no idea that the medical staff knew that trick, also, and observed him when he was quiet and by himself, too.</p><p>Dan gave him a kindly smile.  “Are the nurses treating you alright?”</p><p>“Oh, hey, you know, Dan, they are angels.  Simply angels to me.  I couldn’t ask for better treatment from them, and that’s a fact.”  He looked conspiratorial with a squint with one of his eyes.  “In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret.”</p><p>“What’s that, Eddie?” Dan asked, his smile deepening with genuine liking.  He hoped that Eddie did not feel that Dan was just humoring him.  Because he wasn’t.  He was interested in Eddie as a person and not just as a patient.</p><p>“Those nurses are spoiling the hell out of me!”</p><p>“Now, the way I understand it, that’s what they’re wanting to do.”</p><p>“And I’m enjoying it, Dan.  I’m really enjoying it.”</p><p>“Then we’ll let them keep on doing it, alright?”</p><p>“Alright,” Eddie answered softly as if he was really appreciating what was being done for him.  On some level, he did.  But he was also the wily patient trying to bullshit his doctor by saying what he thought that the doctor wanted to hear.  A smile crinkled Eddie’s face but didn’t quite reach his eyes, despite his best intentions of trying to show Dan Lewis that all was well with him.</p><p>Warmth lit Dan’s eyes and his heart went out to Eddie.  He was certain that if things weren’t so crazy between him and Eddie Brock that they would like each other.  He’d long admired Eddie’s journalistic talents and had respected him for his tenacity to bringing evil to light and to his integrity of seeing that the right way was successful.  Eddie was just going through a rough patch right now.  But if things were different between them, Dan Lewis felt that they could even be friends.</p><p>Dan decided to recognize the elephant in the room.  There was that business about the tear-soaked pillow.  “You know, Eddie, if you’re having problems that you’d like to talk out, we’re only too happy to let you tell us about them.”</p><p>Eddie appreciated Dan’s sincerity.  “I know,” he said softly.  Then in a firmer voice, he said, “You’re good people, Dan.  Annie’s lucky to have you.”</p><p>“We’re only interested in your welfare, Eddie.  I hope you realize that, too.”</p><p>“I do, Dan.”</p><p>“I can get a specialist in here if you’d like.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s okay,” Eddie said without enthusiasm.</p><p>“You’ve experienced a lot, Eddie.  All of us needs help once in awhile.”  Then his voice changed and became more intimate.  “You deserve to feel good about yourself.  Don’t hurt yourself unnecessarily,” Dan said and felt the doctor’s veneer sliding away from him.  He shouldn’t be getting personal with Eddie, but Eddie was different.  Special, in fact.  And that amazed Dan Lewis when he realized he felt that way.  In the little while since he had known Eddie, Eddie was becoming special to him.  And it wasn’t just because of Anne.</p><p>The warmth reached Eddie’s eyes this time, and he spoke the truth.  “Thanks, Dan.  I’ll be careful.”  It felt good to be with Dan, and Eddie didn't want Dan to worry unnecessarily.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>But so much of the time, Eddie was alone with his thoughts.  In the hospital, away from Annie and Dan and the other medical people, Eddie lived those last few moments with Venom over and over again.  It all seemed like one scene from a movie being played over and over and over again.  But the outcome was always the same: Eddie lived, but Venom didn’t.</p><p>It had all moved so fast, the fighting, the clawing, the clinging to life as if it was the only thing that mattered in the universe. And at that stage of the game, the perseverance of Life was all that was uppermost in Eddie’s mind. Perseverance of Life for Earth and for them.</p><p>Then it all had gone bad.  In the midst of success, tragedy had struck.  All Eddie Brock remembered was how utterly horrified he had felt when Venom ripped himself out of him.</p><p>"Goodbye, Eddie."</p><p>"Venom! No!"</p><p>It was a physical pain and a mental pain. And surprisingly, an emotional pain. After all, they had not known each other that long. But it had been long enough for mutual need and regard to grow.</p><p>The explosion. The engulfing fire. Both devastating and mortal to the Symbiote. And for mere Earthlings like Eddie Brock whose fragile bodies could not withstand most things that a Symbiote could-- bullets, motorcycle crashes, leaps from tall buildings-- such a double onslaught would insure his demise, also. And so Venom had parted from Eddie to face his dying alone in a last-ditch effort to protect Eddie.</p><p>And Venom had succeeded.  And had paid the ultimate price for his success.

</p><p> </p><p>And there was something else that played over and over again in Eddie’s mind, too.  Odd that it should, though.  At the time it had happened, it had seemed more like a footnote than anything major.  But in retrospect, it was proving to far outweigh a lot of other things that had happened between Eddie and Venom.  For in this instance, Eddie had denied Venom.  And now Eddie felt like a Judas.</p><p>Though terrified of the monster she had just seen nearly eating a policeman, Annie had ordered Eddie into the car to take him to the hospital.  Grateful for the moment’s reprieve from fear and helplessness, Eddie had relaxed in the back seat of Annie’s car and had allowed himself to feel.  It was so good just to huddle away from all of the chaos around him, if only for a moment.  Annie would take care of him.  Annie would understand.  His friend Annie was with him.</p><p>And Venom knew all that Eddie was feeling about Annie and even made the reasonable and wonderful suggestion that Eddie apologize to Anne for breaking her trust.  That apology took a great load off Eddie for Anne had never given him the opportunity to express his sorrow for what he had done to her.  Nothing could ever erase the fact that he had betrayed her, but now he had been given the opportunity to atone for his mistake.  And that simple apology would do a great deal to rectify both of their karmas.</p><p>For the wrongdoer needs to apologize and the one wronged needs to hear the apology and to accept it.  Otherwise, the fates of both of them would be tarnished.  But Venom had intervened and had saved them both from that fate.</p><p> But in doing so, Venom had crossed a line.  Eddie did not like this invasion of his private thoughts.  Everyone needs to have the security that he has something that is totally his and that no one else knows anything about.  Eddie was just needing his own space, no matter how much Venom was helping him at the moment.</p><p>And Eddie was tired, too.  Physically and emotionally tired.  He wanted to rest.  He needed some down time, some time just to goof off and recharge.  But he wasn’t going to be given that alone time anytime soon, especially with a Symbiote monitoring and knowing everything he was thinking and feeling.  That’s what had led Eddie to say in exasperation, “Get out of my mind, man.”  Eddie just needed a return to sanity and privacy.  Was that so much to ask?</p><p>It was a plea of disgust and of exhaustion, but it was expressing Eddie’s desire to go back to what his life had used to be, back to when he and Anne were an item and he was respected by the world, by Annie, and by himself.  He wanted his life BEFORE.</p><p>But that could never be.  For there had been the appearance of Venom and all the drama that had entailed for Eddie.  And then Venom had been blasted to smithereens and had been burned to flaming cinders by rocket fuel.  And Eddie had been a witness to the whole sickening episode while his body was consumed by horror, by sorrow, and by emptiness.  And that’s when Eddie had discovered that he wanted his life restored back to a different BEFORE.  Back to before Venom had died saving him.</p><p>But that couldn’t be, no more than Eddie’s life could be returned to when he and Anne had been together.  That’s when Eddie learned that life is nothing but a bunch of sorrowing AFTERS when the person wants only to return to whatever BEFORE had been theirs, no matter how boring or mundane.  At least it had been something, and now it was just nothing anymore.</p><p>So the best that Eddie could wish for now was to slip quietly away before he ruined the lives of any more decent people.  His was a lost cause.  No need taking any more good people with him.  It was about his turn to man up.  Let him be the one to sacrifice for a change.</p><p>Instead of someone doing it for him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Why Then Did You Leave My World So Soon?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Eddie returns to the site where Venom was lost.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What plagued Eddie was that Venom had died without knowing how much Eddie really wanted him to stay.  Hopefully, Venom had realized it when he had heard the anguish in Eddie’s voice as those final, desperate words had been wrenched out of Eddie’s sorrowing soul:  “Venom!  No!”  What he'd meant but hadn't said was, "Don't do this for me!  Hell!  Forget that! Don't leave me!"</p><p>Theirs had been an achingly short relationship.  In that time, though, Venom must have found something in Eddie to admire, despite Eddie’s sloven appearance and self-destructive existence.  And what Venom had found inside Eddie-- his principles, his integrity, his sense of doing right for his fellow man-- had convinced Venom that Eddie was worth fighting for and, if it came down to it, dying for.  Venom had found a decent person in Eddie Brock and that quality had resonated with Venom, for he thought of himself as a decent entity in spite of that quality not being held in esteem in his native society.</p><p>And despite their short relationship, it had contained a wide range of highs and lows.  There had been so many moments of Eddie’s denial and others of his acceptance of Venom.  When Eddie had wanted to leave evidence of Drake’s wrongdoing with Eddie’s former boss and had stopped Venom from eating Eddie’s friend Richard, Eddie had said that “'we’ have to go now.”  And Venom had echoed Eddie’s “we” because it had been so nice to be included with Eddie.  From then on, Venom stopped intimidating Eddie because he felt that they had become a team.   No more nose bumps to Eddie's face to bully him and to further escalate his fears of imminent death from Venom.  Venom would never harm Eddie again, even if he might threaten it.  Eddie just hadn’t realized it yet.  Not until after Venom (and Anne) rescued Eddie from Treece and the death squad and after Venom was explaining that he wanted to join forces with Eddie to save the planet.</p><p>And Eddie had hit the water, had hit the water with a survivable splash because of Venom's intervention, had hit the water without dying, and had sunk like a rock.  Because he was in free fall, with no will to live of his own.  Sick to his heart and stunned by what he had witnessed, he descended into the murky depths, not caring what happened to him.  And then instinct had kicked in, the instinct to live, and Eddie had started swimming.  Up, up, up, until he broke the surface, and he could gratefully gulp a lungful of life-sustaining air.  For no matter how great the shock or how great the wish to die from what has happened, the will to live will always be stronger.  Life demands life.  And so Eddie Brock had lived to swim for shore and to keep alive until Annie had helped to pull him up onto the soggy beach.</p><p>Yes, he had lived.  Eddie Brock had lived.  But his heart was back in San Francisco Bay.  Tony Bennett had it right, Eddie realized.  You really can leave your heart in San Francisco.  But in Eddie Brock’s case, his was at the bottom of the bay with the fire-charred remains of an alien who had never gotten to experience what life had to offer him here on Earth.</p><p>And now he never would.</p><p> </p><p>It was days before Eddie was released from the hospital, and it was more days before he could force himself back down to that beach where the wreckage of the Life Institute’s launch pad sat like an ugly scar on the waterfront.  He avoided it for as long as possible.  He even avoided glancing in its direction, and that was difficult to do because he loved the view of the Bay and of the nearby ocean beyond it so much.</p><p>He’d walk the streets, dodging people, a furtive shadow in the underworld life of a great city.  He was between two worlds.  He was not yet a member of the daytime even though his illustrated series of articles about the real mission behind the Life Foundation and its demise had put him back on top of the journalistic and social strata of the city.  And he was not quite a member of the “forgotten” class, either, because people still recognized him as Eddie Brock, no matter how low in life he fell.  </p><p>And now since the Life Foundation expose he had written, there was no disappearing for him anymore.  Not in this town, not in this city, not with these people.  For they were his people and he were theirs.  They knew the best of him and they knew the worst of him, and they decided to keep him anyway.  How could he turn away from that?</p><p>But finally one day he knew it had to be faced.  He had to face the demons waiting for him out there on that piece of ruined waterfront, the site of only one of his personal hells.</p><p>Eddie rode a streetcar for as far as it would take him.  And other riders mercifully left him alone for they sensed the sorrow surrounding him.  Then he left the streetcar and shuffled along with his head down, hands in his pockets of the ratty jacket that felt so comfortable, across the sand while seagulls wheeled above him hoping for some sort of handout.  If Venom had been still alive, this would be one place where Eddie would take him to introduce him to only one facet of life on Earth.  Somehow, Eddie felt that the seashore and the seagulls and the world of this wet sand just might appeal to Venom.  But maybe it would just be that Venom would sense what the beach meant to Eddie and would like it, too, simply because Eddie did.</p><p>At long last Eddie stood at the edge of the water squinting out over its sparkling expanse at the ruins of the rocket launch pad.  Already cleanup had started.  Cranes stood alongside the debris and waited to bite into it again.  It was Sunday, though, and therefore the cranes were silent.  Eddie had picked the weekend to come down here for the simple fact that the cranes would be silent today.  He didn’t want anything to interfere with his viewing of the leftover carnage.</p><p>Eddie didn’t know if it was a hello or a goodbye or simply an acknowledgment that he was bringing.  He simply knew that he had to show up.  Maybe after he had made this pilgrimage, he could get on with his life again.  Maybe he could finally admit he had no reason to stay in San Francisco and could leave the city and all that it represented in his rear-view mirror.  He could start fresh somewhere else.  </p><p>More importantly, he could leave Annie to her life.  She deserved a chance at it without him hanging on, holding her back.  Dan Lewis was a good man and would make a wonderful marriage for her.  Dan was decent, and he would be good for Annie.  Annie had one skill that had always proven beneficial for her: She could pick good, decent men to love.  It hadn’t been her fault that Eddie had proven unfaithful of her trust.  But he had paid for it.  Almost worst than the hero of a tragedy from Classical Greece, Eddie had paid for his momentary slip and thereby had become the object lesson rather pointedly of a really preachy, modern-day Morality Play.</p><p>Soon Eddie would say goodbye to Anne Weying, and she would never realize until it was too late that his goodbye had been forever.  For Eddie was going to disappear, to be absorbed into some sort of life further on in some other impersonal city that would ask no questions of him.  Nor would it offer any sympathy or warmth for him, either.  Good.  Good!  That was what he wanted.  Anonymity.  Anonymity without feeling.  If it felt like death while still breathing, so much the better.  Let him be a walking dead man.  For he deserved no other kind of treatment.  And he would welcome the numbness that it would provide for him.</p><p>Eddie Brock had been given two great souls to love in his life, and he had lost them both.  Recklessly.  Heedlessly.  He didn’t know what to do with something good when it came his way apparently, unless it was to lose it.  So he would be lost to Life now, like so many other tragic souls in this life who are operating now on automatic, because it hurt too much to allow themselves to feel anymore.  </p><p>So here he was, burning his bridges behind him.  There was just one thing left for Eddie to do, one more bridge to burn to its foundations, before he could cross off living altogether and join the ranks of the undead, the unloved, and the unforgiven.</p><p>And it lay beneath him, deep somewhere in the waters which started just a few scant inches from the toes of his scruffy sneakers.</p><p>“So here’s your final resting place, is it?” he wondered aloud, addressing the waves lapping up on the beach.  “Ain’t bad,” he decided looking out at the dancing waters.  “Tides.  Fish.  Creepy crawlies."  A tired smile tried to crawl across his face, but there was no humor in it.  Only sadness.  "Crabs scampering over you, tickling you, making you wish you had a mouth again so you could eat them.  I bet you'd like the taste of them.  Right up there with chocolate and tater tots, eh?"  He shook himself and looked over Venom's grave again.  "Ships passing overhead.  Lots going on.  You’ll never get bored.  I just wish you could’ve seen more of your adopted home here on dry land.  I think I would’ve had fun pointing it out to you.”  Tears smarted at his eyes.  “But that won’t happen now, will it?”</p><p>All that answered were some seagulls wheeling in the sky nearby.  With his luck, they would fly over Eddie just to dump an unwelcome payload on his head.  Well, bring it on, because he sure as hell deserved it!</p><p>“You unselfish bastard, you did it to save me, didn’t you?” Eddie mumbled as he stared down into the murky waters of San Francisco Bay beneath the wreckage of the Life Foundation. It was sunset, one of his favorite times of the day, but not today. Not today was it a favorite, because it reminded Eddie too much of what he had lost on this very spot.</p><p>A wind was rising, a wind that was coming up with the approach of night. Already the waters of the bay were dark against the blaze of the brilliant sunset. It all just made Eddie's heart ache more. Venom would've loved this evening, for the Symbiote loved all things wild and passionate and free. Eddie knew that about Venom as surely as Venom knew so many things about Eddie. That's what happens when two of you share a body. It didn't matter that it had been for only a short time. There had been a kinship between them, and now Eddie was missing that kinship.</p><p>And now he could say it. He could say it all.  He could feel it all.  Now Eddie could mourn properly. For this was where Venom had died, and here he would always be for Eddie.  And Eddie must put Venom to his proper rest, for both of their sakes.</p><p>"Helluva note," Eddie mumbled. "Save the world and not get to be in it any longer than you did."</p><p>The rising wind ruffled Eddie's hair, and he wished it was Venom's hand doing the ruffling. He ached with it needing to be Venom who was touching him. “I didn't like it much when you first showed up. But can you blame me? You scared the hell out of me." He grimaced. "But you were scared, too, weren't you? And desperate. You'd spent months going from one host to another while they died around you. You had to be scared that you were going to starve, or that Drake's fumbling experiments were going to kill you. And then I came along, and you got your chance."</p><p>Eddie smirked, but it had no humor in it. Only sadness. Sadness for Venom's short time on Earth. "Some chance I gave you! You should've had years! Not-- not hours! And you shouldn't have used your precious time helping me," he moaned in misery. "Why did you do it? Why? Why?"</p><p>But that had been Venom's decision, to sacrifice himself for someone else. And it was up to Eddie now to deal with that sacrifice.</p><p>"Why me?" he mumbled.  "What did you see in me that I don't?  Why was I so great to you?"</p><p>Eddie looked out into the last rays of sunshine for the day and tried to ease the knot of pain in his chest. "Why did you ever come into my life if it was going to hurt so much when you left? Why did I have to lose you?"</p><p>Eddie sank onto the sand and dipped his hand into the cold waters of San Francisco Bay. Life had first come onto the land from prehistoric seas. Mankind considered the oceans to be the givers of life. And now the waters of the one-world-ocean had claimed a life that Eddie wished with all his heart that he could get back.</p><p>Water lapped over his submerged hand, and tears flowed down his cheeks and dripped onto the already soggy sand. "How could you leave when I need you so much?  Hear that?  I need you.  I need you so much!  But I can't have you, and I don't know what to do about it."  His lips trembled, but he managed to say it even though his voice was little more now than a harsh, pain-filled whisper.  "Why don't I get to keep what I want?  Why did I get to have you for a little while if you were only going to leave me so soon?"  And the biggie as he squeezed his eyes shut against his stinging tears: "Why did you let me learn how to love you?!”</p><p>And sobs tore through him while his heart broke completely.  Karma was a bitch, and it was catching up with Eddie.  And the universe was collecting a heavy tribute for Eddie's failings.</p><p>But the universe is sometimes kind, and so it reached out that evening to strengthen that breaking heart.  Eddie Brock needed something good and sustaining in his life again.  He was long overdue.</p><p>For a tiny something heard his anguish and swam through the water that evening and burrowed itself into the palm of Eddie Brock's cold hand. Something that had been waiting for Eddie.  And it surged up inside his arm and into his heart where it felt at home once more. It curled into a ball, sighed with pleasure, and sent its joy about its contentment through Eddie in vibrating waves.  And even as Eddie wondered about the surge of life blossoming inside him and throughout him, that tiny spark began to grow and to gather strength from him almost immediately, like a fertilized embryo dividing and sub-dividing the moment after conception. It would take time for that tiny something to be as it had once been.  But it would most assuredly return eventually to its full strength and power, because now it knew that it was loved and needed and necessary.</p><p>And it would answer to the name of Venom once more.</p><p>"Eddie," it said softly in its host's mind and in his heart just so Eddie would have no doubt about what was happening.  And in that small, weak voice was all of the yearning and poignancy and hope that Eddie would somehow find his way back to help him.  And in that small, weak voice was also relief.  While it was true that Venom's body had been destroyed by the fire, his eternal essence had remained, knowing that somehow Venom would be reincarnated through his bond with Eddie.  Somehow Eddie would perform that miracle, and Venom would live again, whole and strong as ever.  </p><p>He had waited so many days, hoping for Eddie's return.  And now his wait was over.  Venom could relax now and heal.  He was safe with Eddie once more.  He was home.</p><p>And Eddie Brock, as strong and as independent as he was, collapsed onto the sand, drew his knees up into his belly, and wrapped his arms around himself to cradle what had been given back to him again to shelter and to protect. And he wept tears that convulsed and shook him there in that blazing sunset.  He lay there for all the world to see, if anyone had been taking the time to be looking at a man writhing on the wet beach at that time of day.</p><p>From all appearances, he was shedding tears for some great grief that had just shattered him.</p><p>But the onlooker would have surmised incorrectly about what was going on with Eddie and the racking tears that were being wrenched out of him.  </p><p>For they were tears of gratitude and thanksgiving.  For something wonderous indeed was happening out on that soggy beach that late afternoon near sunset.  For it was a miracle to stun the ages.</p><p>For Venom was being given another chance at Life.</p><p>And so was Eddie Brock.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I own nothing of Venom, either the movie or the Marvel universe.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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